A Clusterf@%^ of Self-Destruction.

Posted by an anonymous user on 4/27/2008 11:22:00 PM

My whole life I have been the "good" one. Did as I was told, never gave any problems, never spoke out against the horrific things my siblings and I were surrounded by. We were taken away, I was about 9 years old, and off and on again we went back until I was 13, in which we were adopted out. My brother ran away and lived with my mother - he was almost 18 and a "lost cause", so they decided he wasn't worth chasing after. She called me on every holiday until I was 17, just to let me know how much she hated me, how she wished I was not her daughter, she loved my brother and sister more, etc. I never did anything wrong, I didn't understand why she hated me so much. My father was no better. He was abusive, and they both were alcoholic drug addicts. I was raped from the age of 5-7, and she made sure to rub that in as well. Even made me hug him one time when he came to visit. I still graduated high school, wish I could say the same for the other two. I believed I was okay, sure I hated porn, I hated sluts/whores/any woman who didnt have any self respect, but I could live with that. Now, I am 24, married, and with a child. I realize I am NOT okay. I have a fear of commitment, and am constantly looking for reasons to bail out of the relationship. He is the first DECENT guy I have ever been with, and yet I find petty excuses to be royally pissed at him. The problem is, I cant function without dysfunction. I am many miles away from my family - and I can't save them when they are in trouble. I can't be the one they all run to when they need something. I need the chaos, I need the fear, I need the uncertainty...I don't want it, I just need it...It scares the hell out of me knowing that I am more than likely going to throw away the best thing that has ever happened to me because I cant stand how "normal" this life feels...I need constant change. I hate stability.

Tags: fear, hate, dysfunction, alcholism, drug, abuse, love

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