And this is the day i have planned out ahead of me? why?
Posted by beautifulINSANE on 7/6/2008 5:02:00 AM
3 weeks ago i tried to kill myself. and i didn't succeed. they sent me to a mental institution. i spent my 3 days there crying. when i got home i spent another 2 or 3 days crying. i don't want to go back to the world. i feel so fucked up. all i can think about is my weight and how much i want to die. i gained a whole fucking pound and it's all i can think about. it might even just be water weight. it's still all i can think about. feel so fat even though i KNOW i'm extremely underweight.
when i got home, i realized that everyone i knew other than my family was just guys. guys who had no interest in me other than for my body. i feel cheep. especially because tomorrow night i'm going to "hang out" with this guy for 500 dollars. we agreed to no sex but otherwise there's no rules so far. i feel like such a whore. i don't even need the money. i don't why i'm doing this. i'm also going to do a nude photoshoot tomorrow morning with this photographer who's like in love with me. why though?? i can't figure it out for the life of me. he sends me emails about how beautiful i am and it repulses me. but he's paying me right? i half think i just enjoy the thrill of doing something that's so wrong. how fucked up is that? did i mention i'm only 15? each sentence just makes me sound worse and worse. whore with an eating disorder maybe? yeah, that probably sums it up. or how 'bout how just a little while ago i seduced some 21 year old and told him i was 18. and he was really hesitant about me being 18 too. let alone 15. or what about how tomorrow i'm ALSO going to meet this guy who pays me to hang out with him and poor him drinks and tell him how not worth it he is. it turns him on. and he LIKES me manipulating him to give me all his money. what a sunday, eh? first illegal photoshoot, (with photographer who's admit to "falling for me") then a date with the guy with the creepy fetish, and then... well the guy who... well i dunno what he's gunna do with me yet. the worst part is; it's not even as if i'm doing something with any future in it. it's just easy money that i don't need. oh. and did i mention the weirdest part of the whole thing? i'm a virgin. sure i've hooked up with ppl. but i've still never actually had sex. and the idea that i'm almost sixteen and still a virgin is starting to really bug me. so now i'm trying to decide which of my "friends" i can actually consider "fuckable" i'm not gunna turned 16 a virgin. i just won't do it. is it fucked that these are the things that matter to me? oh yeah, i forgot! i also dropped out of school which i'm sure u could've guessed pretty easy. that's right. fucked up all the way.
Tags: sex, regret, virgin, suicide, money
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when i got home, i realized that everyone i knew other than my family was just guys. guys who had no interest in me other than for my body. i feel cheep. especially because tomorrow night i'm going to "hang out" with this guy for 500 dollars. we agreed to no sex but otherwise there's no rules so far. i feel like such a whore. i don't even need the money. i don't why i'm doing this. i'm also going to do a nude photoshoot tomorrow morning with this photographer who's like in love with me. why though?? i can't figure it out for the life of me. he sends me emails about how beautiful i am and it repulses me. but he's paying me right? i half think i just enjoy the thrill of doing something that's so wrong. how fucked up is that? did i mention i'm only 15? each sentence just makes me sound worse and worse. whore with an eating disorder maybe? yeah, that probably sums it up. or how 'bout how just a little while ago i seduced some 21 year old and told him i was 18. and he was really hesitant about me being 18 too. let alone 15. or what about how tomorrow i'm ALSO going to meet this guy who pays me to hang out with him and poor him drinks and tell him how not worth it he is. it turns him on. and he LIKES me manipulating him to give me all his money. what a sunday, eh? first illegal photoshoot, (with photographer who's admit to "falling for me") then a date with the guy with the creepy fetish, and then... well the guy who... well i dunno what he's gunna do with me yet. the worst part is; it's not even as if i'm doing something with any future in it. it's just easy money that i don't need. oh. and did i mention the weirdest part of the whole thing? i'm a virgin. sure i've hooked up with ppl. but i've still never actually had sex. and the idea that i'm almost sixteen and still a virgin is starting to really bug me. so now i'm trying to decide which of my "friends" i can actually consider "fuckable" i'm not gunna turned 16 a virgin. i just won't do it. is it fucked that these are the things that matter to me? oh yeah, i forgot! i also dropped out of school which i'm sure u could've guessed pretty easy. that's right. fucked up all the way.
Tags: sex, regret, virgin, suicide, money
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holy crap you are fucked up. just stop doing all those creepy things, cut off all ties with guys that pay you for stuff like that and just concentrate on you! i really have no idea what you are going through but decide once and for all if this is how you want the rest of your life to be. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW!!!!!!!
Posted by Helen on 7/21/2008 5:06:00 PM (Report abuse)
if you think you are doing 'wrong' things then ask your self what can you take control of and change into the person that you can accept.
Posted by Marissa on 7/6/2008 7:11:00 PM (Report abuse)
your not fucked up, it's just no-one gives you a manual on how to be a teenager and if they did it would have been written by some patronising psycologist who thinks they can get into a teens mind.
i have 11 months left of being a teenager and it frightens me more than anything else in the world.
when i was 13 i was so determined to lose my virginity, yea 13! i would have done it with anyone who would have fucked me and i did it in an alley on a one night stand. i've never told anyone this in 6 years. i also stripped for cash that year.
my biggest fear my whole life has been my weight, no matter how much you could see my rib cage poking through my tiny body frame i felt huge.
i've cut myself since i was 12 and all i've ever had is abuse, which low and behold made it worse, i recentley saw a doctor because i want my scars covering, i've been clean for a year now :) but he reffered to self harming as 'people like me', because that didn't make me feel crazy at all. but hey neither did the group therapy or being paid to be scientifically experimented on for being a 'ill' anorexia, self harm, suicide.
i'm not gunna tell you your having an easy life because your not, but it gets better than you know, suicide is just an easy way out, i learnt that and if life was gunna fuck me then i was gunna fuck it ten times harder back and trust me you need this attitude in life, and i swear education isn't everything to make you happy in life, anyone who tells you that has never had it hard enough.
hold on
i have 11 months left of being a teenager and it frightens me more than anything else in the world.
when i was 13 i was so determined to lose my virginity, yea 13! i would have done it with anyone who would have fucked me and i did it in an alley on a one night stand. i've never told anyone this in 6 years. i also stripped for cash that year.
my biggest fear my whole life has been my weight, no matter how much you could see my rib cage poking through my tiny body frame i felt huge.
i've cut myself since i was 12 and all i've ever had is abuse, which low and behold made it worse, i recentley saw a doctor because i want my scars covering, i've been clean for a year now :) but he reffered to self harming as 'people like me', because that didn't make me feel crazy at all. but hey neither did the group therapy or being paid to be scientifically experimented on for being a 'ill' anorexia, self harm, suicide.
i'm not gunna tell you your having an easy life because your not, but it gets better than you know, suicide is just an easy way out, i learnt that and if life was gunna fuck me then i was gunna fuck it ten times harder back and trust me you need this attitude in life, and i swear education isn't everything to make you happy in life, anyone who tells you that has never had it hard enough.
hold on
Posted by Lily on 7/6/2008 5:21:00 PM (Report abuse)
Your really weird but i dont say that in a bad way, you have some pretty fuckeed up views on life but you cant help what you are.
you make your story sounds so bad but the facts are that happens to girls all over the world
you have an eating disorder
droped out of school
like guys
and yeah they give you money and thats weird
but your a virgin so really youv done nothign wrong
you make your story sounds so bad but the facts are that happens to girls all over the world
you have an eating disorder
droped out of school
like guys
and yeah they give you money and thats weird
but your a virgin so really youv done nothign wrong
Posted by Chantelle on 7/6/2008 5:14:00 PM (Report abuse)
Your 15, you have a whole life to live. This part of life is such a small part. You make your own destiny, so make it what u want it to. You should feel proud ur still a virgin, once u have sex u can't ever again be a virgin. And when u have sex, have sex with someone u love, so u won't regret it.
Your young, and beautiful. Your in charge of ur life. I know its hard but, you need to straighten out, and find something that means a lot to you, that can change your life positively.
I your able to change and get ur life straight, think of how much an inspiration you'll be to all the girls who are in similar situations. Go online, and look up stories of girls\women who have been in the same spot as you. It is possible to be happy, you just have to try.
Your young, and beautiful. Your in charge of ur life. I know its hard but, you need to straighten out, and find something that means a lot to you, that can change your life positively.
I your able to change and get ur life straight, think of how much an inspiration you'll be to all the girls who are in similar situations. Go online, and look up stories of girls\women who have been in the same spot as you. It is possible to be happy, you just have to try.
Posted by Bam! on 7/6/2008 4:11:00 PM (Report abuse)