I mistakenly have lived my life by a "schedule". I got married to my wife when I thought I was at the right age to get married, even though I hadn't found the "perfect woman". She was "close enough". And about two years ago, I decided that it was time I had a child with my wife because it wouldn't get any better and I was getting "old". So, unexpectedly, while my wife was pregnant with our child, I started to open up to a female co-worker via email. She also began to open up to me about her rocky marriage. We began to bond and grow closer, and eventually a close friendship had formed. We have so many things in common, and complement each other in so many ways. After a year, we both admitted feeling love, and started spending more time together. Eventually this emotional bond cultivated into a physical relationship. This lasted for about six months, until she finally broke down and said the stress and guilt she felt about our physical relationship was too much to bear.
This woman told me she loves me and wants to stay friends, but that she couldn't continue our physical relationship because it was taking a great physical and mental toll on her. She has been married for five years and plans on having children in the next 12 to 24 months. She said she wants to be a "good role model" for her children and be a good Catholic. I told her I'd leave her alone and she told me that's not what she wanted. She said she wants to continue our emotional bond and spending time together, but only until she has her child, and then she's not coming back to work. She says she'll email me and keep in touch as much as she can, but that she can't keep standing still in her life and that she wants to move on.
So, this was a year ago. We have remained close, sharing fantasies about each other, going out to lunches and spending time together as much as possible every day at work, and writing to each other EVERY night via email to say a simple "good night". She recently told me she has fallen in love with her husband again. She says she loves us both.
This hurts horribly. I know what I'm doing is essentially an emotional affair, but I can't stop. I don't know why. I know in my head that this is wrong. I know that it's stupid. I know that if we were both single and she was in love with me and someone else, I'd simply walk away and tell her to go to Hell. BUT I can't stop. I love her SO much. She means the world to me and even though she's telling me as soon as she gets pregnant, I'll never see her again, I can't walk away because she's still going to be around every day until she quits. The worst part is, I even offerred to leave my wife and child to start a life with her and she said she would never be able to be with me because I have a child.
What is wrong with me? I can't walk away from her. When I've tried, it lasts about two days and I go crawling back and we pick right back up where we left off. I honestly would love to be her friend and stay in her life, but in reality, I know I need to just walk away and let her go. I just can't figure out how to do that.