To start off, I struggle with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, as well as depression.It sounds like an impossible combination or something got mis-diagnosed but I have several different chemical deficiencies that have caused all of this that I was born with and have worsened because of concussions I believe.
Because of having to deal with all of this along with trying to manage school and a full time job as well as being the oldest of six kids, if I don't let out stress somehow, I WILL end up killing myself, it's happened once (my parents stopped me after notification from a close friend).Cutting is the most effective way that I have found that relieves just enough of the stress to make it through the day.I haven't cut for probably a year and a half but recently it has come back and there are a few new scars unfortunately.
I am a true cutter in that I can be in my room bleeding one second and then walking out to a group of friends who wouldn't know that anything was wrong with me emotionally or mentally at all.I have seen a couple postings talking about how so many people have changed it into an act for attention (ya, all who do it are attention whores, you don't know how shitty life can REALLY get) and that is not something that I do.I started cutting back in middle school, I am now a freshman in college, and it was something that not even people who I called my "friends" knew about.I use the term "friend" lightly because I've only really had two and they have both since left.
I am starting up again tonight after things have been sliding for so long and nothing else (including meds) that I have tried has worked, so why fix what isn't broken?
All the counseling and medication in the world can't do anything to help the pain and total hopelessness that I have to fight through every single day, from the time I put my head on the pillow till the time I open my eyes in the morning is the only time that I truly am thankful for because it is a place of non-existance for me.From the moment I wake up I am thrown into a world with no reason to live.