well...I use to cut, for a large part of my life I have.For most but cut from 13/14-currently 19.I haven't for a while.
I always have kept my feelings to my self, all the hurt, disappointment, depression I would just swallow and put on a fake smile.But everything caught up.slowly then suddenly.There came a breaking point that lasted about year now.from so many years struggling alone and being so hurt from the people around me and all the hate I harbored toward myself just built up until I snapped.Feelings weren't really expressed on my fathers side of the family not even an ' I love you' but then on my mothers side there was lots of love and emotion expressed but in a different way.It was dramatized and paranoid at times.She is bi polar among other things and my sister whom is dramatic didnt fear my mother like I did.She had zero tolerance for anything and consequences were serious.but she challenged her and she was taught a lesson every time.I learned to fear my mother at a very young age and never challenged her or even spoke what I thought, because there is no point when it will become an argument.I learned to hate her, keep my pent up anger inside and resent her more and more and keep it all a secret.finding my release, my happiness and self punishment in cutting.I built up so many walls and have kept everyone at bay.I cannot even begin to break down my own walls.
I have completely lost who I am, who I was.I carry so much hurt, anger and sadness on my heart.I try time and time again to earn her love, but I hate her.I try to earn her recognition but I am always left hurt in the end.And once again just like the stupid little girl I was then, following her looking for something that is missing in my life, love that I so long for but have never felt or received I have been kicked away...I never learn still to this day.And as a punishment to her I keep everything from her.My life, my love, my ideas, everything.But I never get that justification that I'm looking for.only winding up more hurt in the end.I feel so lost and just tortured over it all.
I have never felt love, and so I search and hope to find it in a relationship with a boy.it becomes an obsession.I am so desperate to feel wanted and loved and just held that I think by being with a boy I will get that.and that I feel some self worth in the end when I am with him.lust and sex is not love.But in my mind it feels like this amazing beautiful close thing, like were 'making love' but its not real.
My close friend is a christian and her family, whom I LOVE they have everything I want that warmth and love I have been searching for, I can feel it with my entire being when I am with them.I am so grateful that I get that and that I know.But they like tried to 'save' me I guess.I have always believe that there was something greater in life but it was nice, like a fresh start but in the end when everything turned to shit and everything that could go wrong would and still does, it just leaves me more and more hopeless every time and I loss my faith in god.like why wont he help.I pray and pray and beg for his help and surrend myself to him and try to live my life by his word but it never can stick.I just wish and hope that I can be happy some day.I feel so defeated in everything in my life and I reach for god and I feel like he turns his back on me so then I do.I cant even feel gods love or just believe in it.In the end all I want is love.From someone, I just want to be held and to be taken as I am.