I Love You, But I Hate This

I will not be going to Derek's family Christmas, today. Thanks to my stupid, STUPID unwanted way of life. My coworkers got me deathly ill in time for Christmas. Work made me miss Christmas, essentially, and I couldn't be more angry, right now. Since, I hate work, and otherwise hate socializing, but the social functions I do look forward to, like effing Christmas, I seem to more than often miss because of having to suffer the effects of a life that I hate.

I think I understand why this is happening. I think that I know that this is happening on purpose. How many times can this happen and I just spin out in anger and upset, driving me further into insanity? Or, maybe, I'm more capable than I think, and this keeps happening, because eventually there will be a straw that finally breaks the camel's back, and I won't just submit to psychological invalidation and perpetual loser status, but will instead find the movement that I don't seem to otherwise have to finally change my life. I say that it's not lack of motivation that prevents me from changing my life, it's a barrier/block. But, maybe when etherically pushed to a choice of insanity or change, the right choice may finally break that barrier.
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Mopy
You're more capable than you think, this doesn't make you a loser. Why not have an evening full of movies you love, watch comedy, order your favorite restaurant take out, and make it an evening? Buy yourself flowers, have a bubble bath. being alone is no reason to be miserable. You deserve to be happy. : )
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safetynetxo