Ever since I realized how shitty my life was, being as I never talked to anyone, haven't been to a party since I was in 2nd grade (I'm a sophomore in high school now), haven't been out with friends, or even a friend for four years, tried to go out but it always failed, being ridiculed for being an atheist..I've never intentionally hurt anyone..My self esteem is low, I've tried to work on that, but right when I feel good about myself, within seconds I find a flaw.I know this isn't healthy and I know I shouldn't kill myself, but I do want to die.
Say for example: If I was crossing a street, and I saw a car speeding down the road, I wouldn't stop walking.I'd let it hit me.I want to see what it's like to die, I want to get away from the people on this earth, I hate this corrupt world..I hate humanity.I know I'm being a teenager, but all of my medical conditions run in my family and all my family that has had the conditions, had them until they died of old age.I honestly despise my life and I see no reason TO live, besides my dad.My dad basically has the scenario I have, except all he has is depression..everything about us is similar.
I want help, and I've been receiving help..but that help hasn't been helping.
I've been to a therapist for a year now, and I feel as I'm a waste to her time, and to my insurance's pocket.I don't feel important enough to care about my health..but I want to care.Just as I want to believe in god, but I just can't.I've tried to believe, but it doesn't work.I've tried to befriend Christians at my school, but it doesn't work.
Sorry if I annoyed you with my cry for attention, I just want someone to hear.