Off scott free
Posted by nessanikki on 8/16/2008 1:16:00 AM
in november, my father killed his wife then himself. no one knows why. there was no note or any sign of anything being wrong. i have always had resentment for my father because he was never a part of my life. i wanted it more than anything. there was always something more important than me, though. he would call and make promises and tell me he loved me. and i hoped that maybe he would finally pull through this time. i hadn't talked to him in almost a year and called him a couple months before my birthday (october) to tell him that me and my friends were planning a trip to new orleans. he lived in louisiana and he said that he would come to new orleans the same weekend so he could spend my birthday with me. on my way there, i called him and he had forgotten about it. he said he couldn't come because he had to work. he called me several times over the weekend just to check up on me. 2 weeks later, he took their lives. i was so angry about this. i feel like he got off scott free. he doesn't have to answer for the pain he has caused me. and i have issues with men due to him. he had no idea the damage he did. and now he's gone. i will never get the opportunity to show him the person i have become. i forgive him, though. he was an alcoholic. he lived for the bottle. i told one of my friends that i was so upset because i always felt like i wasn't good enough for him. he asked me something that changed my whole outlook on the situation: have you ever thought that he wasn't good enough for you? he was bothered and the disease consumed him. i hope he has found peace. and i'm still working on healing. it's been tough. not only have i been mourning his death but i have been mourning my own death. the death of this idea that i'm not good enough. i identified myself with the pain. it no longer has a hold on my life. now i am creating a new life for myself. one that i can be proud of.
Tags: father, suicide
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Tags: father, suicide
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If there are things you feel you need to say to him, then write him a letter of how you feel, then perhaps read it aloud or burn it.
Posted by an anonymous user on 8/21/2008 6:40:00 AM (Report abuse)
thank you. if my pain can inspire someone then it wasn't in vain. i hope that your family forgives you. but i believe it's far more important that you forgive yourself. my father was eaten up with guilt. but i will tell you this, as much as i messed up, i wanted nothing more than a relationship with him. i may have seemed cold or distant with him, but it was only to save myself the pain. it was a wall i put up. i wish he would've reached out more to me. just broke down that wall. just showed me more that he really loved me. his family says that he loved me, but all i knew of his love was words. there were never actions to follow them. people are far more forgiving od us than we are of ourselves. i encourage you to really reach out to them and never give up. constantly let them know how much you love them and SHOW them how much you love them. it may be hard and seem like they aren't receptive. from my experience i can say that i would've given anything to have my father in my life. not my father under the influence, but my FATHER. just to get to know him would've been the greatest gift anyone could've given me. don't give up!
Posted by nessanikki on 8/20/2008 11:17:00 PM (Report abuse)
As a recovering addict, I know the damage that can be done to family members from being addicted. I am so glad to hear that you have overcome the incredible pain and anger you've had because it gives me hope that maybe sofmeday MY family will forgive me and release me from the bonds of guilt. Your father did an incredibly selfish thing, commiting suicide and taking another with him, and if anything, he will have to answer to a higher power for that.
Posted by Babyhedred on 8/16/2008 9:11:00 AM (Report abuse)