Open relationship

Posted by an anonymous user on 6/13/2008 2:48:00 AM

I think that we are not ok. I think that we will never trust each other again. I'm sick to my stomach and won't sleep tonight. I am afraid I can never give you what you want and keep you. I am afraid that I cannot keep you from what you want and will, thus, lose you. I think that you will hate me for not letting you sleep with other people. I know once you start sleeping with other people, you cannot stop. I know that now that you have it in your head, you have to start.

I think you are doing this because you are afraid of getting old. Am I not enough? Can I make you happy? This is too intense. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to have children. I really thought we were happy.

I want to be modern. I don't want to feel the jealousy and fear that I feel about this. You scare me by the things you say. You can't tell me that you are going to be safe but if the "perfect" situation were to arise then you would do away with condoms. You cannot tell me that it is only about the sex but you would be willing to consider adding a third person for a romantic relationship. What does it even mean "I look at it as if we are dating the person"?

You cannot tell me that you are perfectly fine with the rules, but are pissed at me when you go up against the first boundary. Yes, God dammit, I am making the rules because YOU came to ME with one of the most unfair requests in the world. I love you and am afraid that when you asked me this question it meant either a). I'm already cheating on you or b). I'm going to cheat on you no matter what you say now. I'm so terribly afraid that the end is in sight. Everyone says at the beginning of a long distance relationship that "they can make it work", but so many fail that it is likely we are just lying to ourselves. I hate you; I love you. I hate myself more than anything, more than ever before. I'm my own worst enemy. So afraid of failing I don't even try.

I wish cutting myself would let out the pain on the inside. I'm too much of a coward to cut myself, so I just hate myself more.

How is it that you think you can convince me that you are in control and can handle a casual sexual situation and then also tell me that you want to start taking recreational drugs? You know how I feel. You also know that there is no thing as control when you are taking drugs.

Do you really hate me? Somewhere inside, in a place you don't like to visit, do you despise me for who I am, for what I prevent you from doing?

You broke something in me, you know? How could you ever tell me that I ruined your career, your life because "You followed me to Graduate School"? How could you tell me such a thing when you were the one that was successful? When you had everything going for you, including an extraordinary intelligence? Your failure was your lack of motivation. This has always been your failure. Yet, instead of owning your own fault you blamed me. You wounded my soul that day. Why not? My fault is that I hate myself enough to believe I deserve it.

If I were you and if I ever owned a set of balls in my entire life, I would dump me. I would walk away and not think twice. How can anybody love someone that has never loved themselves? No wonder you want all the things that you want. What a piece of shit I am.

I've been a chicken shit all my life. As a kid I let every scrawny school-yard chump walk all over me. I never once fought back. Nothing has changed. Fucking waste. Even my own father thought I was pathetic enough to walk out. I've wanted to die most of my life for this. Too cowardly to do anything about it. Fucking waste. Fucking waste. Fucking waste.

I think that I will spend the rest of my pathetic life watching the world pass me by. I'll lie to myself, I'm an expert at that, and say that I'm content, I'm at peace. It won't be true. At my core I hate myself and always will. Maybe I'll get lucky and something spectacular will end it soon for me. No one would notice for long. You would get what you want in the end. My mother would get enough sympathy to make her the center of attention for the rest of her life. My father didn't notice to begin with. Even the fucking bugs would be happy with my rotting pound of flesh.

I'll never be ok, you know? Don't even bother. It's simple a waste; I'm unfixable. Light a fucking match and collect the insurance money. I deserve no better.

I'm so sorry. I never meant anyone harm. I'm just too fucked up to make anything work right. I made him leave, you know? I was too much of a pussy. He could never love something as pathetic as me. From the beginning I was a disappointment. Came out all wrong, I did. Did you know that I was almost a month overdue in my birth. Too much of a fucking coward before I even knew how to be a proper coward to come out into the real world. Piece of shit. Should have been still born. At least then he would have loved the imagination of me.

Won't sleep tonight. Just lie here and learn new levels of self-hate. You'll never see this letter. I wouldn't do that to you. Still love you more than anything I have ever had to fuck up. Fucking waste. Fucking waste.



Tags: self-hate, open, relationship, fucked, up

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