Panic
Posted by raziel281 on 5/7/2008 12:36:00 AM
i wrote this down the other day just for me...but i think i'll share...most of it...
My name is <OMIT>. I feel very alone. I have several people who I call “friend” but no one I can talk to. I don’t know what to do. I think about killing myself. The only reason I don’t is because it would be an emotional and financial burden to my family. I love my family but I can’t talk to them. They have problems of their own. But even they have someone. Two of my sisters are married and the other one has a daughter. I don’t know why I’m so twisted on the inside. I have never had many friends. I have never had a serious relationship, romantic or otherwise. I don’t have anyone I can tell this to so I’m writing it down. I talk to God. I have Faith. I worry that He doesn’t love me because I have doubts. I try not to but it’s hard when you feel this way. God has blessed me in many ways. I have always had a roof over my head. I always have food to eat. Too much sometimes. I’m overweight. I don’t want to be but I think I’m depressed. I don’t eat because I’m depressed; I just don’t do anything because I’m depressed. I go to work and then I come home and lie in bed and watch tv. There are plenty of people whose lives are more difficult than mine. Lots of people work harder and have less. The only thing I do not have is someone else. Someone I can talk to. Someone who I can care for and be cared for by. I’m ashamed so much so I don’t share anything with anyone so I really have no one to blame but myself. I really wish someone would reach out to me though. Someone may have reached out to me but I didn’t realize it. Or if I did realize it I was too chicken to do anything. A girl that I love…well, I do not know her well enough to actually love but I think it would be very easy to love her…she left today. I may never see her again. She probably doesn’t care anything about me. She kissed me once…on the cheek. It was just kind of a joke to her but she will never know how much it meant to me. I feel very awkward when people touch me because I’m not used to it. But I like to be touched…it is a small comfort that sustains me a little bit longer. I think I may be a pervert. I used to look at porn a lot and even had a lot of it on my computer. I deleted all of it after I had a feeling that God wanted me to…I still slip every now and then but I’m trying. I think God may have wanted me to write this so I can feel a little better. I know I’m not supposed to ask God for things…He is not a genie that grants wishes…but I have asked Him for a special someone. I try to pray that HIS will be done…not mine. I am filled with pride. It is one of the deadly sins. I don’t know what I have to be prideful about but I am. I am kind of a contradiction. I have pride but low self esteem. I consider myself smart but sometimes I’m very stupid. I am lost and confused and scared and I don’t know what I am going to do with my life. I want my family to be proud of me. I’m turning 27 soon and it scares me. Thirty is not far away and I’ve done nothing with my life. I’m scared of being alone. Being around people makes me tired. I feel like I am performing. I don’t let anyone see who I really am. I don’t know who I really am. I really wish Becky would ask me out. I don’t know if it is true but it feels like things would be a lot better if that happened. I wish I knew what people really thought about me. I know it shouldn’t matter but I worry about it a lot. I worry about what God thinks of me…
Breathe in…breathe out…
Tags: panic, depression, suicide
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My name is <OMIT>. I feel very alone. I have several people who I call “friend” but no one I can talk to. I don’t know what to do. I think about killing myself. The only reason I don’t is because it would be an emotional and financial burden to my family. I love my family but I can’t talk to them. They have problems of their own. But even they have someone. Two of my sisters are married and the other one has a daughter. I don’t know why I’m so twisted on the inside. I have never had many friends. I have never had a serious relationship, romantic or otherwise. I don’t have anyone I can tell this to so I’m writing it down. I talk to God. I have Faith. I worry that He doesn’t love me because I have doubts. I try not to but it’s hard when you feel this way. God has blessed me in many ways. I have always had a roof over my head. I always have food to eat. Too much sometimes. I’m overweight. I don’t want to be but I think I’m depressed. I don’t eat because I’m depressed; I just don’t do anything because I’m depressed. I go to work and then I come home and lie in bed and watch tv. There are plenty of people whose lives are more difficult than mine. Lots of people work harder and have less. The only thing I do not have is someone else. Someone I can talk to. Someone who I can care for and be cared for by. I’m ashamed so much so I don’t share anything with anyone so I really have no one to blame but myself. I really wish someone would reach out to me though. Someone may have reached out to me but I didn’t realize it. Or if I did realize it I was too chicken to do anything. A girl that I love…well, I do not know her well enough to actually love but I think it would be very easy to love her…she left today. I may never see her again. She probably doesn’t care anything about me. She kissed me once…on the cheek. It was just kind of a joke to her but she will never know how much it meant to me. I feel very awkward when people touch me because I’m not used to it. But I like to be touched…it is a small comfort that sustains me a little bit longer. I think I may be a pervert. I used to look at porn a lot and even had a lot of it on my computer. I deleted all of it after I had a feeling that God wanted me to…I still slip every now and then but I’m trying. I think God may have wanted me to write this so I can feel a little better. I know I’m not supposed to ask God for things…He is not a genie that grants wishes…but I have asked Him for a special someone. I try to pray that HIS will be done…not mine. I am filled with pride. It is one of the deadly sins. I don’t know what I have to be prideful about but I am. I am kind of a contradiction. I have pride but low self esteem. I consider myself smart but sometimes I’m very stupid. I am lost and confused and scared and I don’t know what I am going to do with my life. I want my family to be proud of me. I’m turning 27 soon and it scares me. Thirty is not far away and I’ve done nothing with my life. I’m scared of being alone. Being around people makes me tired. I feel like I am performing. I don’t let anyone see who I really am. I don’t know who I really am. I really wish Becky would ask me out. I don’t know if it is true but it feels like things would be a lot better if that happened. I wish I knew what people really thought about me. I know it shouldn’t matter but I worry about it a lot. I worry about what God thinks of me…
Breathe in…breathe out…
Tags: panic, depression, suicide
Comments
RSS feed for comments on this post.
I love you, I know that might sound really weird but I do, so much. Not in a romantic way but..yeah, it's hard to explain. Anyways... Reading that made me cry and I just want you to know that you might be depressed right now, as I think I am, but things really will get better. You really should just will yourself to go somewhere new and see what happens. Maybe after work instead of going home you could just drive around and see what you see, there's got to be someplace wherever you live that is fun and interesting. I think I might struggle with the same thing as you, worrying that nobody truly care about you I mean and it sucks, believe me I know. But I just tell myself that there has got to be somebody out there. And I tell myself that I believe one day someone will truly care for me, and it's the same for you. Really, it is. Someday you're going to wake up from this hazy dream and somebody will be standing right there with you, whispering in your ear about how much they need you and love you. And don't worry about not having done anything with your life, you've made it this far havent you? And I for one think that that's an amazing accomplishment considering the pressures of the social and economical parts of this world. Somebody loves you for everything that you are, believe me, it's true.
Posted by Caitlin on 6/6/2008 10:50:00 PM (Report abuse)
u need to get out of the house and just go somewhere. like anywhere. if you stay in your room, you willnever meet anyone worth anything. good luck!
Posted by Asdfghjkl;' on 5/9/2008 11:33:00 PM (Report abuse)