I feel worse and worse every day.It's not getting better, and on top of that, I don't care.
My mom is always yelling at me.My friends don't care where I am, whereas last year I was the "leader" of our group and everyone wanted my advice and to know how I was.My friends don't care how I am.My friends wouldn't care if I died.My dad works far away in the US during the week, but when he's here he hates me too, and wants nothing to do with me, only my sister and her best friend.No one invites me for sleepovers or to hang out anymore.I don't have any friends for that.K, my sort of best friend who was my best friend last year in the group I was the "leader" of, doesn't call me anymore.She doesn't say hi in the hall.She ignores me.Maybe she doesn't see me.I hope that's it.
My friends and everyone else sees past me now.Like I'm invisible.I feel hollow and it hurts.I have to focus all the time on pushing the pain away with my invisible hands.I wonder if they can see the pain.In my eyes.
I am so invisible now.When people actually see me, it's either because they rammed into me or are laughing at me.People who were my acquaintances laugh at me now.I don't know why.
I'm not like them.I'm not pretty and skinny and I dont have nice hair or cool clothes.No.
I walked into the cafeteria today.I sort of stood near the brick column and looked around for someone who would notice me.No one.My friends weren't there, but I was sure they were outside in the field in the special place that I discovered last year.I knew where it was.But I didn't want to go out there.I know they'd all hush up and smirk at each other in the "Speak Of The Devil, And The Devil Shall Appear" way that I've gotten used to.I see some of my friends from this summer and last year.I stare at them.They don't see me.I wouldn't sit with them anyways.It would be too weird.I never sat with them before.
Before I could start hyperventilating (I could feel it coming), I spun around and dodged a few kids who laughed at me and said, "Wow, watch it." I slammed the door to the stairs open and ran up the stairs and down the hall.I skipped my locker and went into the bathroom.There was no one there.I avoided the mirror.I don't like looking at myself.I look strange...different.
I sat in the last stall that no one uses because it's so dark and away from the lights, and took off my sweater.I was smoldering inside it, but I couldn't take it off because of the red lines on my wrist that I was so scared someone would see.I was immediately chilled but it felt good.I quietly and slowly ate my crackers, not even opening the peanut butter my mom had given me in a container.It felt good, the salt on the crackers.I broke them one by one in half and nibbled on them as the tears slid down my face.
When I was done, I rinsed my face in ice cold water, put my sweater back on with the hood up and the strings pulled and put away my things.No one knew I'd been there.No one knew I'd cried.No one knew how I felt, so cold and empty and either numb or in pain.
I just want out.I think about suicide all the time and about how easy it would be.Really, I think sometimes I should just do parasuicide (looks like I tried to kill myself but really I'm still alive) so people would get the message.I don't want to have to explain my pain.I want people to see and figure it out themselves.