So... after my last post

Posted by Jotiii on 8/2/2008 4:53:00 PM

I've realised how much better it makes someone feel, after venting their feelings. What makes it easier, is venting to complete strangers. :) How do you get through each and every day fearing that something terrible will happen, to the person you believe is your soulmate? Not just because it's some sort of intuition, but because it's like he's holding on to his life by a thread anyway. He wants to beat someone up, to cut them, to shoot them, to harm them as much as possible. Tomorrow. And nothing i can say will stop him, it's a revenge thing - i agree he has every right to be angry after what this person did, but i don't support violence. If you read my last post, you may understand the area he's from; the way violence, drugs, gangs... everything's so normal for them. Tomorrow he's going to court, the person he has so much hatred for is in jail, he will pass him. He told me he's going to do something to him, and he doesn't care how long he gets in jail for it. 10 years, that's not much right? Yep, that's the way he says it. "10 or 12 years, so what? That's nothing, i don't care". Are you fucking crazy. How can you not even think about me, and what i'd do without you? I'd be completely lost. Every day i pray for his safety. I know he really is a good guy, i try to make him... well, 'good'. This week he was almost shot, almost sent to jail... because he was caught selling drugs. And he won't stop selling them, he fucking told me that. It's "what he wants to do". I try so hard to convince him not to, i can tell it's pushing him away. It feels like he's changing, slipping away from me... i've never been so scared to lose someone. It puzzles me; i don't even cross his mind, when he's doing all this? I've wanted to take him away from his life of crime, because i care about him so much - his fucking friends encourage all types of violence, etc. How will i be able to live if he goes to jail? Or if something worse happens to him? He's been hospitalized before, bottled, beaten up, on life support. I've stuck by him through it all, crying and praying through the nights, hoping and trying to help through the day. It's been eight months. How perfect it would be, none of this, just us two. I'm in love with him, we're in love. He just doesn't think about me much when other shit is going on - which happens to be all the time, now. I love to make him happy... but now i realise i have to start looking out for myself more. If he goes to jail, i'll have to move on right? I'll have to. Life goes on... 10 years? By then my parents will have arranged a marriage for me, forcefully. Everything would have changed, the world can't stop for us. The thought of us not being together breaks my heart. But he's never safe. I know that if not for me, he would be a completely different person today. I've helped him for the better, i still try so hard, but... I just feel powerless now. I still believe in God. I guess i'll carry on praying my heart out. I had to vent.

Tags: pray, boyfriend, jail, fear

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