Sober Blues Again

Something is wrong. I'm not okay with sobriety, again. I have today and tomorrow off, and I'm not even alone, yet, and I'm already feeling tedious, bored to tears and pacey. I so want to be high, but my dispensery is out of the edibles I wanted to try. I'm considering just ordering bud and smoking again, even if just for the next two days, but I really don't want to blow my mostly smoke-free pride. The thing is that when I'm high, I get so much done, or things are really interesting and I'm peppy, and I need to get so much done. But, I'm such a slug in every way, right now. I have no drive, and I need it. I at least need to feel good.

Which means that I otherwise don't feel good enough, soberly. Which means something's wrong. Pretty sure I know what. Unfortunately, it's the big issue, the main one. The one I can't fix myself. And, so I pace, once again uncomfortable in my own skin.

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Mopy
I can't. I just can't. Can't afford it, can't cave. I really don't know how to cope with myself, right now, granted, but I know that just indulging for need and not want isn't going to make me feel any better about myself when the effects wear off and I'm back to work on Tuesday. Maybe with the weed, I'd have a much cleaner apartment and beautiful new paintings I've created, interesting thoughts and stories, and that's so incredibly desirable. That WILL make me feel better about myself, but I'll know it was medicated and manufactured, and that will disappoint me.

But, does it really matter if it is drug infused? I'd feel so much better, right now.

F*****g tug o' war between my mood and mind.
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Mopy