Nighttime is the worst, you’re left alone with your thoughts, all those negative thoughts as to why you are still alone, I’m to old, to ugly, to fat for anyone to love me.
Every conversation about marriage turns into an argument with them, they think I’m hiding a deep, dark, terrible secret from them (which I’m not). They can’t seem to understand why I don’t want to get married, when I try to explain my feelings, they think I’m lying or just trying to feel sorry for myself.
The truth is, I would love to fall in love and find someone, but the older I become, the less likely it all appears to become a reality.
Apparently men in my community want, pretty, slim, young things and unfortunately I’m neither of these.
I’ve always had faith that I will find my significant other someday, but that’s not good enough for them. My mother constantly tells me that I’m the biggest burden on her, and once I am settled and married off, she can rest and be happy. She constantly tells me how much I am hurting her and my father and how they spend their nights crying. They say that they cannot even speak to their relatives or extended families, as everyone always asks why I am not married yet, they tell me that I am selfish, that I don’t see how much they are suffering because of me. My siblings will take my parents side and reiterate what my parents have said to me.
I hate this so much, it’s been almost 8 years of the same thing, I feel like I’m in a psychological hell. Everytime, things don’t work out with a potential suitor it’s always my fault. Most of the time I’ll agree to meet someone they’ve recommended just to appease them for a couple of weeks, even if I don’t like them and don’t think it will work out, and when it doesn’t work out, I’m the one that is a liar, for not telling them I didn’t like that person in the first place, that I’m just playing games with them. If I were to tell them that I’m not interested in someone that they’ve chosen, then they’ll argue and ask me what’s wrong with them. If I say I don’t find them attractive, then they start belittling me, with things like, “well, you’re nothing special, who are you to say anything.” It’s true, I’m not anything special, I’m far from special, but if I’m going to spend the rest of my life with someone, surely I should at least be a tiny bit attracted to them.
Sometimes I wish they would just force me to marry someone, it’s not like being stuck in a miserable marriage is something new for my family.
They don’t realise how much they’ve hurt me with their words and actions, they don’t realise that I can’t talk to anyone about anything. I’m just a burden, a liar, a drama queen.
If I ever have children, I will never ever treat them like that, I will never make them feel like they can’t talk to me about anything.