The hourglass of my life is slowly crumbling to nothing
Posted by an anonymous user on 6/6/2008 10:31:00 PM
It's so hard for me to do this, but I have to. What's my secret? It's kind of a long story. I really hope that people don't call me a bitch or 'attention-whore' for this, I'm just going to say everything, I'm not going to hold back.
I fear that I am far too mentally unstable to even make it through high school. No..I can make it through, at least I hope so. My problem is that every day, after so much reassurance I still doubt that the people in my life actually like me for who I am and aren't just using me. These people are my best friends and we hang out on the weekends but I'm just so scared that they are only pretending to like me. And then I worry that they don't care about me at all, so much to the point that if I was to off myself they would be quiet for five minutes and then go back to their usual happy routine. And it worries me, it makes me sick, it makes me cry, I'm afraid. Oh god I'm just so scared of being completely and utterly alone in this world. The one person I can actually talk to without controlling what I say or do (my friends don't treat me bad when I don't control myself, I just feel like they secretly are thinking shitty things in their minds) lives in Washington and I don't get to talk to her all that much. I burn myself. No, not cut, but burn. I take a bobby pin and hold it over my lighter for a minute and then press it into my skin. I can even feel my skin bubble up and the blister start to form. And the only way for me to justify why I do it is that it helps take my mind off the emotional pain in my life and the whirl-wind of self-hatred I have created for myself. (Yes, I admit that I have created this drama in my life due to a lack of self-esteem and the fact that I hate myself, everything.) And you know what? I want somebody to notice, is that awful? I don't do it solely for that purpose but somewhere inside me I want somebody to notice the blisters and scabs on my wrist and ask me what they are. I would lie but...I want them to keep trying, to dig deeper because they care about me. I mean, I don't go around flaunting my arms all over the place, I always wear a sweater because I am too self-conscious about them to make them completely visible. But I really want somebody to just listen to me, and make me feel like they do love me and they care about me more then the world. I want to feel what it's like to be completely cared for. I'm only fifteen but I have planned my suicide in more ways then possible, and so has one of my best friends. We used to have conversations about why he cut himself and how he's probably going to die by killing himself. I would never kill myself, but I still think about it.
I called a mental health line a few weeks ago, it didn't really help like I wanted it to. The person on the other end of the line just tried to convince me that I'm not depressed because I have friends in my life, but does the fact that I have friends really excuse the way that I feel? Does that excuse the fact that I have built these walls up around my soul yet there is still an untouched hammer lying next to them because nobody has bothered to try and break my barriers down?
I guess I just want somebody to care about me, I don't expect anybody to read this, but it feels kind of good to get it all out. I really hope that if somebody actually does sit through all of my rambling you don't think I'm just an 'attention-whore' because I'm really not, I never talk about myself, and I don't like being the center of attention all the time. I just want somebody to show me that I am worth taking up space on this dying planet, I want to know that I matter at all....
Tags: depression, suicide, masochism
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I fear that I am far too mentally unstable to even make it through high school. No..I can make it through, at least I hope so. My problem is that every day, after so much reassurance I still doubt that the people in my life actually like me for who I am and aren't just using me. These people are my best friends and we hang out on the weekends but I'm just so scared that they are only pretending to like me. And then I worry that they don't care about me at all, so much to the point that if I was to off myself they would be quiet for five minutes and then go back to their usual happy routine. And it worries me, it makes me sick, it makes me cry, I'm afraid. Oh god I'm just so scared of being completely and utterly alone in this world. The one person I can actually talk to without controlling what I say or do (my friends don't treat me bad when I don't control myself, I just feel like they secretly are thinking shitty things in their minds) lives in Washington and I don't get to talk to her all that much. I burn myself. No, not cut, but burn. I take a bobby pin and hold it over my lighter for a minute and then press it into my skin. I can even feel my skin bubble up and the blister start to form. And the only way for me to justify why I do it is that it helps take my mind off the emotional pain in my life and the whirl-wind of self-hatred I have created for myself. (Yes, I admit that I have created this drama in my life due to a lack of self-esteem and the fact that I hate myself, everything.) And you know what? I want somebody to notice, is that awful? I don't do it solely for that purpose but somewhere inside me I want somebody to notice the blisters and scabs on my wrist and ask me what they are. I would lie but...I want them to keep trying, to dig deeper because they care about me. I mean, I don't go around flaunting my arms all over the place, I always wear a sweater because I am too self-conscious about them to make them completely visible. But I really want somebody to just listen to me, and make me feel like they do love me and they care about me more then the world. I want to feel what it's like to be completely cared for. I'm only fifteen but I have planned my suicide in more ways then possible, and so has one of my best friends. We used to have conversations about why he cut himself and how he's probably going to die by killing himself. I would never kill myself, but I still think about it.
I called a mental health line a few weeks ago, it didn't really help like I wanted it to. The person on the other end of the line just tried to convince me that I'm not depressed because I have friends in my life, but does the fact that I have friends really excuse the way that I feel? Does that excuse the fact that I have built these walls up around my soul yet there is still an untouched hammer lying next to them because nobody has bothered to try and break my barriers down?
I guess I just want somebody to care about me, I don't expect anybody to read this, but it feels kind of good to get it all out. I really hope that if somebody actually does sit through all of my rambling you don't think I'm just an 'attention-whore' because I'm really not, I never talk about myself, and I don't like being the center of attention all the time. I just want somebody to show me that I am worth taking up space on this dying planet, I want to know that I matter at all....
Tags: depression, suicide, masochism
Comments
RSS feed for comments on this post.
I for one cannot imagine what pain you're going through. Do you know about contacting Samaritans? jo@samaritans.org http://www.samaritans.org.uk/
Posted by Jo on 7/15/2008 10:25:00 AM (Report abuse)
I totally understand you wanting someone to notice your burns. I cut myself for a while, and I wanted people to ask what the injuries were from, because it would mean they paid attention and cared about you. Its not wrong to want to have someone who loves you for who you are and who really truly cares about you. Branch out, and try making new friends, maybe your current ones aren't the best thing for you.
Posted by No one of consequence on 6/7/2008 6:05:00 PM (Report abuse)
" I still doubt that the people in my life actually like me for who I am and aren't just using me" i know EXACTLY what you mean. i have this fear about EVERYONE i know. I have a constant fear that someone is just playing a horrible prank on me and one day everyones just going to shout "fooled you!" When I'm supposed to meet a group of people i always show up 10 to 15 minutes late because I am terrified of being ditched, because to me that is the ultimate sign of being uncared for.
Im 18 but I haven't ever been past second base (on the French Feel Finger Fuck scale) even with the boy I dated for six months because I'm afraid that he doesn't really want me for me and just wants a conquest he can brag about
But im lucky in that i have one person nearby who i KNOW actually genuinely likes me for who I am, i'm sorry that your person is so far away
"I want somebody to notice"
I also know how you feel on this count too. I'd never kill myself but I often wonder how people would react if they found out I died. Would they cry? Actually miss me? Realize how important I was? I never went so far as hurting myself, but I did fake injuries (one time I pretended I sprained my ankle at summer camp so that I could get attention). Also, i just become increasingly selfless. I cook dinner for my family every night despite my HUMONGOUS work load.
I'm actually a very shy person, but I have to be the center of attention. Not because I'm loud and selfish, but because if everyone is paying attention to me, they can;t forget me, or leave me out.
I also fear that my friends will move on and leave me behind. Like they're going to realize that they don;t actually need me anymore.
I crave attention because my biggest fear is being left out.
I hope this was helpful and that you realize that you aren't a freak (well, I'm not so sure i'm normal either)
Im 18 but I haven't ever been past second base (on the French Feel Finger Fuck scale) even with the boy I dated for six months because I'm afraid that he doesn't really want me for me and just wants a conquest he can brag about
But im lucky in that i have one person nearby who i KNOW actually genuinely likes me for who I am, i'm sorry that your person is so far away
"I want somebody to notice"
I also know how you feel on this count too. I'd never kill myself but I often wonder how people would react if they found out I died. Would they cry? Actually miss me? Realize how important I was? I never went so far as hurting myself, but I did fake injuries (one time I pretended I sprained my ankle at summer camp so that I could get attention). Also, i just become increasingly selfless. I cook dinner for my family every night despite my HUMONGOUS work load.
I'm actually a very shy person, but I have to be the center of attention. Not because I'm loud and selfish, but because if everyone is paying attention to me, they can;t forget me, or leave me out.
I also fear that my friends will move on and leave me behind. Like they're going to realize that they don;t actually need me anymore.
I crave attention because my biggest fear is being left out.
I hope this was helpful and that you realize that you aren't a freak (well, I'm not so sure i'm normal either)
Posted by Keeping_up_appearances on 6/7/2008 12:44:00 AM (Report abuse)
I'm not gonna say I know how you feel.
But I will say that even though I don't know you and will probably never know you... I care.
I've been through what you've written. through myself and my best friend.
You do matter.
But I will say that even though I don't know you and will probably never know you... I care.
I've been through what you've written. through myself and my best friend.
You do matter.
Posted by Anonymous on 6/7/2008 12:30:00 AM (Report abuse)
You do matter, and in so many ways then just being alive.
x
x
Posted by Nothing is perfect, really. on 6/6/2008 11:55:00 PM (Report abuse)