I use to only use this website when I felt really down. I checked in "manage my posts" and most things were from about five years ago. Fortunately, I seem to have grown a lot since then and I don't think I'm as angsty anymore.
I've been trying to not have an eating disorder, harm myself, or drink excessively. I looked at my posts from the past and a lot of them are about those topics. I can understand why I'd put them here, since I didn't have many people to confide in at the time.
Today I feel like I have more people that will listen to me. But I don't want to burden them with my feelings. I will talk to them about what's on my mind when the time is right.
My current love is hanging out with friends and I want him to have a good time. She's technically my girlfriend, but she asked to be my secret girlfriend. I understand why and I'm not pushing her to come out or anything. It's mind bending for me to think of how she must feel. I do my best to put myself in her shoes. But she's a sweetie and loves me very, very much. I love her too. But I'm still constantly going through things and trying to grow out of being a jealous/obsessive person.
I'm going through quite a bit right now. I want to find a better job to move out of my house. My siblings are negative influences and trigger me in varying ways.
My mom got really sick this year and had major surgery but isn't doing anything to better her health. She is overweight and has diabetes and PTSD because of my dead abusive father. This seems to be a trend. My sister is depressed and overweight but isn't doing anything to better her health either. Sometimes she talks of suicide. My brother is overweight and depressed as well, to the point of having multiple health conditions. He doesn't talk much to me or in general. My next sister is overwhelmingly narcissistic, but healthier than the lot of us. She can be delusional and act out in ways that make me uncomfortable. Each have their own unique desire on monetary vices.
I hit a really low point with my alcoholism the last few years. Leading to a lost phone, lost job, running into freeways, covered in bruises, alcohol poisoning for two days. Oh, getting kicked out of a supermarket, then running without pants across a park. A stranger helped me find where I was suppose to be. He thought I'd been attacked. So I'm trying not to drink. I'm trying not to drink as much because of that and because of my current broken ankle. I want to heal quickly.
I broke my ankle in a children's park a month ago. I'm really upset about it. I should be able to walk by now, but it hurts. And I'm worried about that. I'm avoiding walking as much because I don't want to displace my bone. I have anxiety about it.
I cherish the love my girlfriend gives me and I miss her right now. I got angry about the world a little while ago but now I'm sad as I'm typing all this.
My sibling recently made me feel really sad, so I sought out some alcohol in my fridge. It's sitting next to me but I haven't drank it. I can do better than this.
One thing I don't think I was honest about with myself is that I was actually in love with my ex-boyfriend. And it took me some time to get over that. I didn't realize it wasn't too long ago. I spent a while trying to convince myself he wasn't good for me and he was bad to me. And it's true, he was bad to me in some ways. But I was in love with him. It doesn't mean he was the best ever or that he was perfect for me, but that's something I didn't want to accept for a while. But I think it was obvious, because I talked about him quite a bit to friends and even my current boyfriend, about what he'd done in our relationship and how I'm better off. But sometimes I have a really nice moment that was like the times I use to share with him and I have to remember, it wasn't all bad. That's a really difficult thing for me.
And I am changing boyfriend/girlfriend though it's the same person. He told me I can say whatever fits my mind in the moment and he still goes by either. Just an aside.
What else is on my mind.
I find writing here cathartic.
Oh, my friend got mad at me a little while ago because I wanted to get an industrial jewelry with a razor blade on it and she told me that was highly triggering, that I'd make a stranger have a panic attack, etc. I am honestly trying to reclaim my former addictions and cope, but I can see how that isn't the best way. I considered it because I was in a mood while looking at jewelry. I wanted my friend's opinions on the ones I liked. It bothered me because she's told me my scars are triggering before. I had posted about them on social media because I was proud of how long I'd gone without hurting myself once a while ago. Her reaction was really insulting to me! AH. But I get that she's gone through some s**t and it makes her uncomfortable.
I see so many people wearing pill print clothes, clothes with phrases suggesting addiction to alcohol or substances, and fashion icons in general toting drug/self-harm/depression positive paraphernalia or tattoos. Some argue it's how they cope. Yah. This specific friend has shared nihilistic memes. I feel it's in the same vein. Our culture is obsessed with being the most depressed.
I opened up here because I wanted to confess being obsessed with looking up this girl that had hurt me in the past. My boyfriend and I have a complicated history and I guess I don't actually want to talk about it. But this girl made him homeless in the end because of my reactions to her actions. She was very disrespectful, controlling, and manipulative. Sometimes I look her up on google to see if she updated her poetry blog to write more hate s**t about me. I'm not sure why it matters. I really wish I could get it out of my head and accept her as a human being with flaws that has nothing to do with my life any longer.
I'm really proud of where I am now and the change I see from my past posts. I've went through a lot to get here and I think college was a whirlwind of b******t and it heightened my drinking problems. Now that I'm out. Idk, that was pretty bad for my drinking problems too. I work with someone I don't want to work with and I know about multiple serious things they've lied about (two false rape accusations) and they stole thousands of dollars of equipment only to get it stolen from them as well. They are a multifaceted human that I appreciate some aspects of, but being around them for extended periods of time makes me realize how truly wack they are and I want to be further away again. I'm going to start applying for jobs soon. Maybe an office job at my former college. Ah, nepotism.
I want to start a company, but I'm not in the place to at the moment. I want to move out before I do that. Pay my bills. Ahhh. I'm not sure how other people do it. A lot has happened to me and this isn't even half of it. I'm getting projects to work on though, so I need to focus on that. My craving to drink is mostly gone. I'm still a bit anxious.