What to do...

Posted by starnermy on 7/3/2009 12:33:00 PM (Report abuse)

About 7 years ago we found out that my Mother had type II diabetes-which is basically a death sentence.In those seven years, I have done nothing but watch her suffer, betrayed by my younger sister, going blind, and falling into a deep depression.I remember her telling me that she was going to Hell because she was not a good mother.My parent divorced when I was 10 and I have never been able to not blame myself.I am 35! But, somewhere is a deep-seated sense of guilt.I could not even begin to tell you why.I have seen therapists, psychologists, hell...I even tried talking to God.I feel like I failed her then as I am failing her now.Her disease is neither about me nor her depression, but I know that I could have been a better daughter.I gave her nothing but hell for a long time.She only worked and made certain that my 2 other siblings and myself all had everything we needed to survive.I remember telling her that I hated her and wished that she were dead.I remember her slapping me and the cold hurtful feeling of hate that flooded my conscious that day.I remember running away-trying to put as much distance between us as I could.I remember staying away from her; very far away and taunting her as she tried her best to raise my little sister.I remember feeling so lonely when I was out in the street; no one to talk to and wanting her there to hold me.I never had any children of my own.This made me somewhat bitter and colder."I don't want to bring a kid up in a world like this! ", I would say, attempting to cover up the pain I harbored inside my heart.I feel so empty.I feel like I already dead inside.I got a letter a month ago from my mother and in it she told me that she is likely to die very soon from kidney failure.She and I made up as best we could years ago and it would seem that this is good.But, she cannot fool me; telling me now and again about how she is going to hell for being a bad mother.She was not a bad mother.She made a few bad choices; but she never abandoned us.We all left her and she stayed and waited; for the day we returned to take more out of her.And just like "the giving tree", she never has denied any one of us what she has to offer.But, just like that same tree, she too one day will have nothing left to give.It's so hard to write with all of the memories and thoughts that flood my mind.I am posting this secret because I feel the most guilty that I have in a long time.I feel guilty because today I realized that I do not want to live in a world without my mother.She understands all of those quirky, stupid traits that make me who I am and she STILL LOVES ME.Yes, of course I am crying as I write this.My heart is breaking into a million pieces.What do you do when you love someone so much you cannot think of life without them in it? What doctor do you go see who is going to make it all better and stop this horrible pain and these memories that torment me every day? What wonder pill do they make that I can take and forget everything I have lived through enough to make me want to go on? Don't bother trying to answer that or suggesting a therapy because they are a temporary fix; because at the end of the day when you hang up the phone, end the instant message and stop the music you are all alone with the truth.

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